you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
