It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
