dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
