mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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