I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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