You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
