I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
