nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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