We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
