My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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