What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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