just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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