I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
