Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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