Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
