Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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