I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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