Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
