My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize