I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
