whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont even know how to be here
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
