Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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