he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
