im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
