There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
