1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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