dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize