I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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