If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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