Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
