That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
