I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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