I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
