While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
