I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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