The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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