i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
