Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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