Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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