I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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