Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
