I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
