someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
