I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize