Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
