he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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