she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
