what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
