did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
