Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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