Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
