nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize