I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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