good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
