um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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