Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't deserve a penis
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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