I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
