so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
