Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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