someone threw a dead crab at me
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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