My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
