how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
