my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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