I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
