you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
